Super Smash Brothers: Kirby Chronicles
by Roxius
Summary: The novelized version of a 160-chapter comic I once drew for SSBB. Many cameos from various series, lots of random humor, drama, and action as well! Please R & R! Give it a chance, please! Reviews inspire me to keep working!
1. Beginning

Disclaimer: I do not own the Super Smash Bros. series.

A/N: This fanfic is basically the novelized version of a 160-chapter comic I drew back in high school as my way of expressing my excitement for Super Smash Bros. Brawl before it came out, so some characters and even plot twists don't become apparent until the very end.

ANYWAY...ENJOY THE ULTIMATE BUTCHERING OF YOUR FANDOM!

* * *

Kirby was not sure just how long it had been since he last seen the Smash Mansion.

'Hmm...about 7 years or so, I think!' The pink puffball thought. He was dragging behind him a single suitcase as he walked along the dirt path. A large empty plain was what separated the mansion from Yukon Town, which was the only source of civilization for miles around. It was a quaint little town, with an impressive mall outlet, a peaceful suburban lifestyle, and a few popular tourist attractions, with the Smash Mansion being one of them. It was also the one of the only places that actually seemed to welcome the arrival of Smashers instead of shunning them like so many others. It was all for the publicity, though, to be honest.

"Geez...they could have at least installed a bus transit system or something," Kirby sighed, wiping away the sweat on his forehead. He was only halfway to the mansion, and he had been walking for about an hour and a half already. He cursed himself yet again for having left his Pop-Star back at home. He wasn't even entirely sure how he had gotten this far without it, actually.

Suddenly, the sky darkened. Glancing upwards, Kirby realized that it wasn't due to clouds or a sudden change to night; a giant white glove was about to pummel him into the ground.

"...WHAT THE FUCK?!!"

Kirby immediately leaped to the right, just barely saving himself as the giant fist slammed down, sending up a cloud of dust. The hand waved itself off before slowly turning in Kirby's direction. Poor Kirby was so horrified that all of the pink in his face had drained away, leaving a pasty white color in its place. His suitcase was lying idle in a clump of shrubs nearby.

The giant glove coughed, and then spoke in a calm, polite voice. "Nice to see you again, Kirby. Welcome back."

It took a few moments before Kirby could regain his composure, and his lovely pink shade. "Do you HAVE to do that every time I come here, Master Hand?!"

"Yes. Why wouldn't I?"

"Ugh..."

"Anyway, Kirby," Master Hand continued, "Before I can let you enter the Mansion, you'll need to be able to pass the Target Practice test I've set up for all new and returning Smashers."

"Target Practice? I thought you got rid of that after what happened to Luigi last time..."

"Oh please! I highly doubt anyone will suffer erectile dsyfunction because of it this time!" Master Hand scoffed.

"Can't you just shoot me in the foot or something instead-"

"NO."

"...Fine, I'll do the damn Target Practice challenge,"

Sighing in utter defeat, Kirby allowed Master Hand to scoop him up, and then he was hurled off far into the sky.

The first target came directly into view, so Kirby unsheathed his blade (up-B) and sliced it directly into two. A small platform appeared now, with two more targets hovering only a few feet above it. After resting for a second on the platform, Kirby leaped up and spun around (Aerial A), shattering both of the targets, giving him two less to destroy. Several more platforms materialized out of thin air now, all of them with a target attached. The platforms slowly shifted back and forth through the air, but it was no problem for Kirby to seem puff up and reach them.

Several minutes, and a few A-button attacks, later, and all of the targets were successfully destroyed. Kirby leaped off of the highest platform, and casually drifted back down to the ground. Master Hand was busy flipping through a porno mag, but quickly threw it away upon realizing Kirby had completed the test. The pink puffball hadn't even broken a sweat.

"Good job, Kirby! You may now enter the Mansion as one of our most powerful Smashers!" Master Hand proclaimed, and he shook Kirby's stub of a hand.

"Awesome!" Kirby grinned, "So...are you gonna warp me to the mansion now?"

"..." Without even replying, Master Hand teleported off. Kirby sighed for a second time that day.

----

Evening had already come by the time Kirby finally reached the front doors of the Smash Mansion.


	2. The First Mission

Disclaimer: I do not own the Super Smash Bros. series.

A/N: Yes, I know all of the characters can talk, including the ones that shouldn't be able to. Charizard, Squirtle and Ivysaur are still stuck saying their own names, however.

* * *

Smash Mansion was, as the name implied, a mansion of gigantic proportions. Not including the attic and the basement, the mansion was about five floors in total, with the bedrooms of all of the Smashers, and some more specialized rooms such as a video game center, a kitchen, a library and a miniature gym. A garage was located on the side of the building, where several vehicles including Samus's spaceship and Meta-Knight's Halberd are parked. An Olympic-sized swimming pool and a botanical garden were both located out in the back, and a battle dome as well, although it was only used from time to time when the Smashers were only about to settle their differences through combat. The symbol of the Smash adorned the wide, wooden doors at the front of the mansion.

Whereas a bar run by Smasher resident Falco is located down in the basement, the door into the attic is usually left locked, although it has been said that voices could be heard up there from time to time...

* * *

"...Kirby...Kirby...HEY, KIRBY!!"

Kirby let out a scream of pain as the tip of a rather sharp blade poked the very center of his face. Standing over him, with scowls on their faces no less, were all three of Kirby's closest friends in the mansion: Link, Pikachu and Ness.

"Ah...hey?" Kirby waved sheepishly.

"The hell are you doing, idiot? Master Hand already called us all down to meet in the dining room about thirty minutes ago!" Link barked.

"Huh? Why would he do that?"

Ness shrugged. "I dunno. He said it was important, though."

"Hmm..."

"I really hope it's nothing too long," Pikachu mused with a distant look on his face, "Me and Purin are supposed to go on a date tonight,"

Kirby raised an non-existent eyebrow in confusion. "Huh...so you still like fat chicks..."

A single blast of lightning, and Kirby was a smoking heap of charred pink on the floor. Ness used his telepathy to drag the puffball all the way downstairs and into the dining room...

* * *

The dining hall was an impressively large room, with an elongated table that ran from one side of the room to the next, with a chair set up for each Smasher present. Master Hand had his own throne-like seat at the very head of the table, although due to being a giant floating glove, he was unable to actually sit in it. Kirby was positioned in between Peach and Fox, smoking a Cuban cigar as he stared absent-mindedly at the chandelier hanging overhead.

"It has come to my attention that funds are exceptionally low this year," Master Hand stated.

"...!!"

"Without the proper amount of cash, we cannot even keep this mansion running functionally. It is quite a troublesome manner, and since I am not of liberty to demand that all of you pay for it...I have come up with an alternative solution,"

Mr. Game & Watch, Master Hand's close friend and personal adviser, pressed a button underneath the table, and a hologram of a map exposing the entirety of Yukon Town appeared over the Smashers' heads. Kirby swallowed his cigar, and sighed.

"We have a large number of unused Smash Balls stuffed inside crates down in the basement, as our friend Falco had notified us. I have decided that we should sell these Smash Balls to the citizens of Yukon Town, and make a profit in return. It'll be like...selling cookies or something, only instead of cookies you're giving out weapons of mass destruction...how does that sound?"

"I love it!" Ganondorf exclaimed.

"To make it more interesting, I'll split you all into teams of three," Master Hand continued, "Since Kirby, Link and Pikachu seem to hang around alot together, they shall be the first team...and the rest of you can decide amongst yourselves. You'll be given your Smash Balls to sell when you head up to the front door,"

"W-WAIT A MINUTE! WE'RE THE ONLY ONES WHO DON'T GET TO CHOOSE?!" Link cried in bewilderment.

"Yup! See yaaaaa~!" Master Hand vanished yet again into thin air, leaving the Smashers chatting loudly to each other. Link buried his face deep into his hands; sometimes it just didn't pay to be a sexy hero, especially when your only friends were a pink ball, a psychic kid and a yellow rat. He would have probably chosen them to be his teammates anyway, but he still would have felt better being given the chance to choose.

Like the Hero of Time, Pikachu was also distraught. 'I wanted to be on Purin's team...'

Kirby, however, looked completely ecstatic. 'YAY, I GET TO SPEND THE DAY WITH MY BUDDIES!'


	3. Prize War 1

Disclaimer: I do not own the Super Smash Bros. series.

A/N: Don't worry, the story gets better later on...so please review so I won't feel sad, okay? :P

* * *

_On the pathway to Yukon Town..._

Kirby held the deactivated Smash Ball close to his face, inspecting it thoroughly. "Hmm...just what the hell do these things do, anyway?"

"Give me that! Master Hand said we'd have to pay for them if they break!" Link snapped ,snatching the ball away from Kirby, and placing it back into the sack, "Anyway, I'm not too sure what they do myself; I didn't even know these things existed until today."

"Hmm...they have the Smash symbol on them, though. Could it be a clue?"

"It doesn't really matter what they do; we just need to sell them."

Nodding, Kirby now turned his attention to Pikachu, who was looking rather distressed. "What's got you down, rat-boy?"

"I'm worried about Purin..." Pikachu replied.

"Why? Considering she was actually chosen to be a Smasher, she's definitely more than capable of taking care of herself," Link interjected into the conversation.

"I know, but..." Pikachu paused, and then an insane grin formed on his lips, "IF SOMEONE EVEN DARES TO TRY AND HURT HER, I'LL KILL 'EM...KILL 'EM GOOD."

"Uh...okay...?"

"YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT'S OKAY!"

"I do, I do!"

"Good..."

As the three friends continued to converse with one another, they were left totally unaware that they were being followed...

* * *

Purin cursed under her breath as she walked alongside the sidewalk of Cornerstone Street in Yukon Town, which was surprisingly devoid of all signs of human life. Rows upon rows of identical-looking houses lined both sides of the street, and all of the curtains were pulled down, making it difficult to determine whether anyone was living there at all. She was dragging along a bag of several Smash Balls; her partners Samus and Captain Falcon had decided to split up so as to cover more ground.

"Ugh...I hate being all alone like this; it's so creepy and quiet around here!" The tiny Pokemon complained.

Suddenly, a voice spoke up from behind. "You're not alone, Purin,"

Gasping, Purin immediately spun around, and her mouth fell agape when she found herself staring up into the eyes of Mewtwo, the psychic Pokemon. He was one of the oldest and wisest Smashers to live at the mansion.

"M...Mewtwo!" cried Purin in surprise.

"How are you, Purin? It has been a long time since we last talked, hasn't it?" He had a slight British accent, something that had always bothered Purin a bit for some reason not even she could explain.

"Yes...yes, it has. Where are your teammates?"

"Oh, we all decided to split up to cover more ground...just like your group did,"

Purin gasped. "What?! How did you know we did that?!"

"Well..." Mewtwo smirked, "I figured that was the only plausible explanation for why you were all by your lonesome like this,"

"Oh..." Purin always felt like a complete idiot whenever she spoke with Mewtwo; she felt like he was always subtly mocking her for not being as intelligent as he was.

"In any case, I'm glad I found you, Purin!"

"Huh? Really? ...Why?"

Then, without warning, Mewtwo swung his hand, and Purin was sent flying backwards with a powerful kinetic blast. The Jigglypuff quickly caught herself in midair, and skidded to a stop along the asphalt, tearing apart the soles of her feet in the process. She felt like her heart was about to burst out of her chest, it was pounding so hard. Mewtwo simply stood there, still grinning.

"W...W...WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!!" she screamed.

Mewtwo waved his hand again, and his entire body began to let off a powerful dark-violet aura. "You may have not heard Master Hand mention this earlier before we left," he explained, "But he said that whichever team sells the most Smash Balls wins a prize...and we are allowed to attack each other if we so desire. I, for one, am not someone who would willingly give up the chance to win something that's free...I'm a bit cheap, in case you didn't know."

Purin was shaking violently from head to toe. "You...you son of a bitch! How could you do this?!"

"Don't worry, Purin; I won't kill you. Far from it. I'm just going to knock you unconscious for a little while."

"Like hell you will!" Purin curled up on the ground, and began spinning in place. Slowly but steadily, the speed at which she spun increased. Finally, when she was rotating so fast that sparks were flying, she zoomed straight at Mewtwo, like a charging bull. Mewtwo held out his palm, and summoned a psychic barrier. However, much to his surprise, not only did Purin break through the barrier, but she slammed directly into Mewtwo's soft belly, which was his weak point.

"G...GUAAH!" Mewtwo fought back the bile that rose up into his throat as he staggered in pain. 'She's...she's more powerful than I had expected...!!' The psychic Pokemon thought to himself.

Before Mewtwo could even prepare his counterattack, Purin started slapping him repeatedly across the face. "YAH YAH YAH!"

"Dammit!" Using the brief moment of pause in Purin's vicious assault, Mewtwo teleported himself onto the roof of a nearby house. It had been a long time since an opponent had done so much damage to him, even if the damage itself was relatively small.

'Impressive...'


	4. Prize War 2

Disclaimer: I do not own the Super Smash Bros. series.

A/N: Don't worry, the story gets better later on...so please review so I won't feel sad, okay? :P

* * *

Upon finally reaching the entrance into Yukon Town, Kirby immediately froze up.

"Link...Pikachu...I am depending on both of you to make our selling of the Smash Balls our greatest team effort yet! This is do or die, right?!"

"YEAH!!" Link and Pikachu roared in unison.

The pink puffball spun around to face his two friends, with a shockingly serious expression. "So...how exactly does one go about selling things to other people, anyway?"

"YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW?!"

"I was originally a business major in college...but then I dropped out to become a freelance teacher for deaf kids...and your mother when she was in the late stages of her pregnancy..."

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT...?!!"

Suddenly, the senseless banter thankfully came to an end when a pair of figures leaped out in front of them. It was...

...Samus Aran (in her Zero Suit) and Captain Falcon!

"Heh..." Samus raised her laser pistol, aiming it in Link's direction, "We found you..."

"WOO-HOO! IT'S MS. ARAN!" Kirby gushed; he had a bit of a crush on Samus, as did most of the other Smashers. His cries of joy were soon replaced with cries of pain when Samus shot him square in the face.

"Crap! An ambush!" Link unsheathed his Master Sword, which gleamed brightly in the sunlight.

"FALCON..." Captain Falcon struck a flamboyant pose, "...YOU'RE RIGHT!"

* * *

Yoshi could barely contain himself as he rang the doorbell of the small house, a Smash Ball cradled tightly in his arms. Ness and Diddy Kong were watching on from afar. They didn't have much confidence in their reptilian friend. However, they anticipated that his inevitable failure would be for a good laugh or two.

After a minute slowly passed by, an old woman answered the door. "...Hello?"

"OI! BUY THESE FLABBA GABBA, YA TWINK!!" Yoshi flashed a wide grin as he held the Smash Ball close to the elderly woman's wrinkled face.

"...What?"

"FOO...SHIZZLE!" Yoshi threw the Smash Ball into the air, and then shattered it with a mighty kick. A bright, ethereal glow suddenly covered his entire body. Ness and Diddy Kong wasted no time in rushing after him. The last thing they expected to happen was that Yoshi would suddenly sprout wings...yet it happened anyway.

"What the heck?" Ness gasped.

Laughing like a madman, Yoshi took to the skies, and flew about a few feet away before the wings vanished and he came crashing back down. Ness, Diddy Kong and the old lady laughed a hearty laugh.

"You should be careful," warned the old lady.

"Huh?"

Suddenly, the old woman's body faded away like dust, leaving behind the Gerudo King Ganondorf in her place.

"...Because I'm here to knock you two out,"

Diddy Kong, in response, shat bricks. He hoped that his "waifu" Hannah Montana would forgive him for wanting to weep like a little girl...


	5. Prize War 3

Disclaimer: I do not own the Super Smash Bros. series.

A/N: Don't worry, the story gets better later on...so please review so I won't feel sad, okay? :P

The story has already gotten alot of changes from the comic version, but that doesn't matter much since this is the only version of it you guys will ever see XD

* * *

"UGH...!!"

Yet again Mewtwo took the full brunt of Purin's rolling attack, and this time blood spewed out from his mouth. For some reason, his powerful psychic attacks were now longer having any effect on the tiny Pokemon; not even the recoil that followed was as strong as it had been at the beginning of the battle. Despite all of his mighty wisdom, Mewtwo was at a complete loss with himself.

"Now," Purin's face was obscured by the darkness as she raised her stubby hand high, "Time to end this...Mewtwo..."

"N...N...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Purin swung...

--------

...And that was when Mewtwo woke up.

"...What?" Sitting up, the psychic Pokemon glanced around to see he was alone, lying in the front yard of an abandoned house. He wasn't bleeding or injured at all. Purin was nowhere to be seen. He sighed in relief.

'She must have hit me with her song...' Mewtwo immediately concluded; he was not entirely sure when, but somehow he had been knocked into a deep sleep by Purin's singing during their battle. Unlike the usual sweet dreams that were expected, though, he had been forced to suffer through a rather realistic nightmare.

With nothing left to do, Mewtwo lifted himself up to a stand and warped away...

* * *

Kirby let out a cry of pain as Samus's laser whip lashed against his chest, too fast for him to block properly.

'I...I never thought there would be a time where I actually didn't want to get whipped by her...!' the pink puffball thought as he leaped out of the way just in time to dodge the second swipe. Samus came charging straight at him, and Kirby swung his blade, only to find himself cutting at thin air. He looked up just in time for the Bounty Hunter to smash the sole of her foot against his face.

"God...fucking...dammit!! SHIT!" Kirby spun a string of curse words, blood gushing from his nonexistent nose.

"Sorry about that!" Samus exclaimed...and then proceeded to bash the poor Star Warrior with the hilt of her gun.

"GAAAHAWHAW!"

"H-Hold on, Kirby!" Pikachu attempted to jump in for his friend's sake, but Samus easily kicked him off to the side.

Link was not nearly having as much trouble as Kirby or Pikachu, but he still had yet to land a single hit on his opponent either.

"FALCON...PUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!!!"

"HIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

Link put his side-stepping skills to good use as Captain Falcon threw a flurry of blazing punches all around. The Hero of Time cringed as the searing flames singed against his cheeks, just barely whizzing past him. He couldn't risk making a single mistake, for if he did, he would have suffered the full power of Captain Falcon's mighty fists. When an opening finally presented itself, however, Link pulled out his trusty hookshot.

"Yaah!" In a completely unintended maneauver, Link's hookshot fired and lodged itself into Captain Falcon's helmet, forcing it to be pulled off.

"Oh...my god...Captain Falcon...your face..."

* * *

_Menawhile, over in Master Hand's chambers at Smash Mansion..._

"Mr. Game & Watch..."

"Beep?"

"...I've been watching this monitor for quite some time now, and not even a single Smash Ball has yet to be sold..."

"Beep-Boop-Beep..."

"I know I should try and be more patient...BUT IT'S JUST SO HARD!!"

"Beeeeeep..."

"I'm so glad at least SOMEONE here in this damn mansion understands me the way you do,"

"Boop-Beep-Beep."

"Ho ho ho...!!"


	6. Prize War 4

Disclaimer: I do not own the Super Smash Bros. series.

* * *

"Oh...my god...Captain Falcon...your face..."

Just seeing the face that had been hidden underneath Captain Falcon's mask made Link almost think he was deep in combat with a movie star. The captain had short, messy raven-black hair, handsome emerald-green eyes, and a small scar running vertically alongside his left pupil. His jawline was fair, and he didn't have any wrinkles or black lines under his eyes. In fact, he looked a tad similar to a very young George Clooney, but not really. Samus, who was just about to land the finishing strike upon Kirby, glanced over at her teammate, and she immediately found herself mesmerized by his attractive appearance. None of them had expected this in the slightest.

'My god...he's better-looking than Edward Cullen...!' Kirby thought in horror.

'Edward Cullen was hideous, you know...' Samus thought in response.

'Yeah, I know...' Kirby thought, and then gasped, 'YOU CAN READ MY THOUGHTS?!!'

"Hmph...you are quite the scallywag..." Captain Falcon murmured.

Link's eyes bulged wide. "S...Scallywag?"

"That is why I must..."

"Huh?"

"...I WILL DEVOUR YOU WITH MY FIIIIAH!"

"OH SHI-"

Captain Falcon raised both hands high into the air, and his entire body became engulfed in a burst of flames. The symbol of the falcon appeared in his right eye, glowing bright yellow. For a moment, there was silence. Then, Link felt an immense pain rise up from below. He looked down to see that his legs were on fire.

"W-WAAAAAAAGH!!" Link cursed himself for not having held onto that bottle of milk his younger self was always carrying around.

This time, Pikachu finally found the chance to jump in and do something. "PIIIIIIKAAA!!!" The tiny yellow rat spun in midair as he fired off a powerful blast of electricity at Captain Falcon. All it took was a single swipe of the arm by the mighty F-Zero pilot to reflect the blast, sending it flying off into the distance. Pikachu gaped in disbelief, and then his tail spontaneously became inflamed.

"Oh dear...I just remembered...Falcon's helmet keeps his true Falcon Power in check..." Samus cringed.

Kirby cocked an eyebrow. "...Falcon Power, huh?"

"Yes...it is the almighty flames of manliness that have accumulated within Captain Falcon's soul over the past 20 years of his life..."

"Oh...fuck."

"Yes. Not even I can stop him now."

"Maybe if you satisfied him sexually, he'll run out of energy and return to normal-"

Samus shot Kirby in the face again. "HELL NO."

"You could satisfy me sexually, if you want-"

"FUCK NO!! Besides, you don't even have a dick!"

"Phooey...and yeah, you're right...I try not to think about it sometimes, but...sob..."

Suddenly, Samus shuddered violently, and collapsed onto her side, revealing Captain Falcon to be standing behind her. Kirby shrieked like the pathetic little pussy he was.

"DIE!" Captain Falcon reached down to grab Kirby, most likely to burn his skin off. He immediately drew back when an arrow lodged itself deep into his shoulder, however. Link and Pikachu were still up, and able to fight. There were dark burn marks where the fires had once been on their bodies. Kirby wanted to weep with joy.

"Hey, bastard, if you want to kill Kirby, then you gotta wait in line! We were first!" Link exclaimed.

"Yeah!" Pikachu agreed.

'THEY WANT TO KILL ME?!' Kirby pondered, somewhat amazed although he felt like he had always suspected it.

Captain Falcon roared like a wild beast, and fired a giant orb of fire at the two Smashers. Whereas Pikachu started running off to the right, Link remained rooted to the spot, and raised his sword high over his head. The ball of flames drew closer...and closer...and then Link brought his sword down. The flames dissipated the moment his sword touched them.

"It's time...to get serious!"

"...DRAMATIC PAUSE?!"

"You better bet your gumdrops it is!"

"Oh snap!"


	7. Prize War 5

Disclaimer: I do not own the Super Smash Bros. series.

* * *

"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIYAH!!"

"FALCOOOOON...PUNCH!!"

"PIIIIKAAAAACHHHHHHUUUUUU...!!! PIKA!"

Kirby was sipping a steaming-hot cup of Earl Gray tea as he watched the battle unfold, using Samus's breasts as an appropriate cushion. He wore a top hat and a monocle. A mole wearing a mining cap and wielding a pick-axe was sitting beside him.

"I say...this is quite the sticky-wicket, eh wot wot?"

"I'll be haunting your dreams tonight, bitch..." Mr. Resetti snarled under his breath.

"Eep!"

Link let out a cry of pain as the surging flames smashed against his chest, sending him hurdling backwards. He quickly tore off his shirt to keep himself from being burned further, although at the same time he knew that now he had to be even more cautious with getting hit than ever. His metal shield was lying in a crumbled heap nearby; it had been bashed in completely by Captain Falcon's onslaught.

Pikachu tumbled forward, and threw another ball of lightning at Captain Falcon, only for it to be deflected off to the side as if it were no more than a rubber ball. The tiny mouse Pokemon cursed under his breath.

"My almighty flames cannot be extinguished by such pathetic and weak attacks like yours!" Captain Falcon chortled.

"Pheh!" Link began dashing at his opponent once more, "You say one more of those godforsaken cliche 'bad guy' lines and I will chop your frickin' head off!!"

"Ha.........ha ha ha......ha!"

"AND STOP TAKING SUCH LONG, UNNECESSARY PAUSES WHEN YOU LAUGH!"

Suddenly, Pikachu leaped onto Link's shoulder. "Listen...I have an idea!"

"What is it?" Link replied, not taking his eyes off of Captain Falcon for even a second. Pikachu hastily whispered his strategy into Link's pointed ear. The Hyrulian boy's eyes widened.

"...It'll probably hurt you alot too in the process, but it might just allow us to subdue him long enough to get the helmet back on!" Pikachu concluded his explanation.

Link rolled his eyes. "Geez...on my adventures I always get uniforms that let me withstand insanely hot temperatures and breath underwater, yet nothing to protect me from electricity!"

"Just block out the pain!"

"Wha-?!"

Pikachu closed his eyes and unleashed a surge of electrical power. The lightening engrossed Link's entire body, and wrapped itself around the very tip of his blade. The pain Link felt, especially with the lightning burning against his open cuts, was excruciating, but he had no choice but to bare it for a little while longer. Pikachu was no longer standing on his shoulder. Link dug his heels into the soil as he got into position, holding his sword straight out in front of him.

"HOPE IT DOESN'T KILL YA!!!" Link exclaimed.

Captain Falcon had prepared himself to counter-attack in an instant were Link to charge at him again. However, instead of rushing forward, the Hyrulian hero reared back slightly and threw his sword, almost as if it were a spear. It was faster than expected, and the energy of Pikachu's lightning only hastened its movement. Captain Falcon was so surprised by this unexpected attack that the blade was able to lodge itself directly into his shoulder. Finally, the build-up of electricity within the steel sword unleashed itself upon Captain Falcon, piercing him with a 1000-volt shock.

"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAYAAHHH!!!" His entire body now charred black, Captain Falcon staggered a bit, groaned, and then collapsed onto his back. He was definitely defeated.

"I'm actually kind of surprised it even succeeded, to be honest. You'd think it would be easier to dodge a flying sword than a guy wielding a sword. Oh well, all that matters is that it worked. So...how much damage did that give him?" Link turned to Pikachu, who put on a pair of tiny glasses and began punching numbers into a calculator.

"...About 200%," the yellow rat replied.

Link grinned. "Cool."

Suddenly, Kirby walked up, and gave Link a pat on the shin (he can't reach up to his shoulder). "Nice job, my man," he beamed proudly, "You made your old man...very, very proud of you..."

"...BASTARD! YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO HELP US!" Link kicked Kirby in the face as hard as he could, effectively knocking the pink puffball unconscious. Pikachu threw away his calculator and glasses without a second thought.

"So...what do we do with Captain Falcon and Samus now? We're all far too injured to even continue this damn mission," Pikachu remarked, placing his tiny hands on his hips.

"I got blood on my sword too...that's never happened before."

"It was bound to happen at one point. You're a fricking swordsman."

"Yeah, but still...THOSE SAGES TOLD ME THEY'D CHARGE ME FOR IT LATER, SINCE IT'S JUST A RENTAL!!!"

"Damn!"

Mr. Resetti coughed into his fist, and then slowly faded away. Even the hole he had been sitting in vanished from sight.

* * *

_The aftermath..._

Later that day, all of the Smashers returned to the mansion battered and bruised. As it turned out, all of them had become so engrossed with their battles between one another that not a single Smash Ball had been sold over the course of 12 whole hours. Obviously, Master Hand was furious about this, and spent the rest of the day out on the deck and smoking a cigar while watching the sun set. Although everyone was injured in some way, Kirby was oddly enough the only one who had to be brought to the infirmary. After trying to read the Harry Potter fanfic 'My Immortal', Ness had to be taken to the ER...


	8. The AU 1

Disclaimer: I do not own the Super Smash Bros. series.

A/N: Please review, people! I'd appreciate it! :)

Also, Mario and Dr. Mario are two different characters, just like how they are in Melee...Dr. Mario is simply a clone of Mario that was raised to be a medic instead of a plumber.

* * *

_Drip..._

_Drip..._

_Drip..._

_Hah..._

_Haaah..._

_Haaaaaaaaaah..._

_Bubble, bubble, lots of trouble...oh, please, let's make it double!_

_Don't say the word, Kirby. Half of the gate has already formulated with this world's plane of existence due to that other man saying it...if you speak the word, then all will be lost! The dimensions will instantly twist together, and become conjoined, sending us all to damnation! Don't say the word, don't say it, don't say it! Everything is going to fall apart, fall apart like a chinaaaaa doll...you get it? Beware the snake man...beware him...beware him...don't talk to him...DON'T SAY IT!!! DON'T...SAY...IITTT!!!! I won't give you pudding if you do!_

_Ho ho ho ho ho!!!_

* * *

"Is he...still alive?"

"I think so..."

"Tap him lightly and see if he moves,"

"...Okay."

Slowly, Nurse Pit leaned in forward...and shoved one of his arrows directly between Kirby's eyes. All of the color drained from Dr. Mario's face, and then his blood began to boil with rage.

"WHAT IN BLOODY BLAZES ARE YOU DOING, NURSE PIT?!!"

"Huh? Oh come on, you would have done the same if you were in my position!"

"I...I would have?"

"Yes!"

"...Huh."

Suddenly, Kirby himself sat up, apparently unfazed by the arrow or the blood trickling down his face. "Huh...? Whuh...what happened...? What's going on? What...what am I not supposed to say?"

"Ah. He's still alive after all." Dr. Mario sighed in relief.

"Geez, you should trust me more often!" Pit snapped, violently tearing the arrow out of Kirby's head as he spoke, "Just because I was born a warrior first and a nurse second does not mean I don't know what I'm doing!"

"Yes, yes...I understand. I apologize, Nurse Pit."

"Good...and starting tomorrow, I'm not wearing this skirt anymore either!"

Yet again the conversation between the doctor and the nurse was abruptly cut short, but this time by the unexpected barging in of Link, Pikachu, Ness, Peach, Ganondorf, Bowser, and Roy. They were all carrying presents.

"W-What are you people doing here?! This area is off-limits to everyone except visitors and medical staff!" Dr. Mario barked at the tiny mob.

"Uh...we ARE visitors," Link pointed out.

Dr. Mario said nothing more, and walked off to get himself some hot chocolate; it always seemed to calm him down during a stressful work day. Nurse Pit followed after him.

"Wow, you guys," Kirby's eyes sparkled with oncoming tears, "You actually...all came to check up on me?"

"Wait a minute! It was YOU who ended up in the infirmary?! I thought it was Fox!" Peach gasped.

"Me too!" Ganondorf remarked.

"Me three!" Roy admitted.

"I just felt like doing something..." Bowser hung his large head in shame.

"I was so worried about Fox!" Link whimpered.

"If Fox isn't here, I guess we'll just go then!" Ness proclaimed, and the Smashers exactly did just that. Kirby was utterly speechless.

'I'm nothing more than a Butt Monkey to them, aren't I? I want a real friend...'

Kirby sat alone on his bed in the infirmary room, his self-confidence at an all-time low. Of course, by tomorrow he would forget the whole thing and continue to see the other Smashers as his 'best friends', but at the moment he was devastated. For the third time in his life, he cursed himself for not having brought a book to read to pass the time.

"...Hey, man." A man popped his head out from underneath Kirby's bed. He sported a thin layer of facial hair around his mouth, and he wore a dark-green headband. Pulling himself out from beneath the bed, the man revealed to be wearing a sort of gray jumpsuit and a series of belts strapped over his chest with small packets attached to them. The man let out a heavy sigh as he lit himself a cigarette.

"Uh...who are you?" Kirby asked, obviously unnerved by this man's sudden appearance.

"The name's Snake," The man took a long drag on his cigarette, "Solid Snake. Nice to meet ya."

"I'm...Kirby."

Snake gave Kirby's stubby little hand a vigorous shake. "Cool. So...what the hell are ya? Some kind of...some kind of talking pink bubble or something?"

"...No. I'm a Pop-Star Warrior, basically."

"I don't get that at all. Still, I've bared witness to pseudo-vampires, robotic dinosaurs and psychic killers in my lifetime, so I'm not one to deny the existence of strange beings..."

"Oh."

A moment of awkward silence slowly drifted past.

"By the way, kid...I got something to tell you."

"What?"

"Moo."

For a second, something far back in Kirby's mind warned him not to say that word, but knowing that he had gotten this far in life with sheer ignorance of common sense alone, he saw no reason why he should start thinking logically now of all times. "Moo?"

Suddenly, there was a flash of light, a high-pitched scream, and finally...there was darkness...


	9. The AU 2

Disclaimer: I do not own the Super Smash Bros. series, nor do I own any other characters/series/mentioning of real persons that may appear. The only things I own are the OCs and the plot, really...

Teddie is from Persona 4 by Atlus.

A/N: I'm having a real hard time thinking up of ideas for new fics and stuff lately; I guess writing over 850 stories really leaves the plot bank empty, huh.

* * *

_You did it, Kirby...you spoke the forbidden word...I warned you not to...but you still did it. Now the multiple dimensions are all on the same plane of existence, and it's causing reality as we know it to slowly crumble apart...nothing is ever going to be the same anymore! You played right into the the villain's hands! Oh, I didn't mention there being a villain earlier? Sorry, but yes, there is a powerful villain who had anticipated all of this and is going to use the destruction of all life to his advantage! How exactly is he going to do that? I can't tell you, idiot! In any case, you've screwed us all over, you fat, fat, fat, fat, ugly, fat, pink bitch...!!_

_I hope you're happy in the saddle...LIKE I AMMMMM!! DOOO-DOO-DOO-DOOOO-DUUUUUUMMM!!!_

* * *

The first thing Kirby realized upon waking up was that he wasn't in the infirmary at Smash Mansion anymore...or Kansas, either. Not that they ever were in Kansas in the first place. Now that he thought about it, where exactly was the Smash Mansion located? Did they even live on Earth? Why was there a large steel pipe lodged deeply into Solid Snake's ass?

"Ugh...my head...and my ass," Snake mumbled as he began to come to. He reached back and tore out the pipe, giving it a quick sniff before tossing it away. The two Smashers were standing in what appeared to be the end of a dark, damp alleyway. Grunting, Snake lit himself another cigarette, as his last one had apparently gotten lost when reality itself crumbled to pieces before their very eyes.

"So...where are we?" asked the ex-soldier.

Kirby shrugged. "I have no idea."

"You sure? You're the one who transported us here when you said 'Moo'."

"You're the one who said it first! I only reacted to it by repeating it!"

"...Why?"

"I...I...I don't know..."

Snake sighed, rolling his eyes in annoyance. "Whatever you say," he snapped, "Let's just see where the hell we are first."

"R-Right!!"

"We better be careful, though...who knows what might be lurking around here?"

"...Right..."

As the two of them walked further out of the alley, their line of sight gradually became impeded by a thick blanket of rancid smog. Covering his mouth with his left arm, Snake used his right arm to unsheathe a small hand-pistol. Kirby covered his own mouth with his stubby hands, his eyes burning from the stench. Each step was taken slowly and carefully. Suddenly, Snake gasped, and he immediately dived from cover behind a trash can. Kirby waited several seconds before following suit.

"What's going on?" Kirby inquired, feeling totally lost right now.

Snake pressed his index finger to his lips. "Shhh...someone's coming..."

It didn't take long before a young, handsome blonde man came rushing around the corner. Oddly enough, he was wearing the bulky Varia Suit over his body, the same kind of armor that Samus Aran regularly wore. He spun back around and fired several shots into the thick gas that surrounded them, although neither Kirby nor Snake could see what he was shooting at exactly. The man let out a sigh, and then fell to his knees in utter exhaustion.

"Goddammit...I don't know how much more of this I can take..." The blonde man groaned.

"Hey," As the voice whispered, a cold sensation suddenly ran down his spine.

"W-WHAT?!"

Within the time span of ten seconds, Snake had successfully snuck up behind the stranger, and pressed the barrel of his gun against the back of the man's head. "Who the hell are you?!" he snarled through clenched teeth.

"Shouldn't I be asking YOU that question?" The man pointed out.

"If you feel like wasting your breath, sure..."

"Hmph!"

"What's your name?"

The man closed his eyes, and then slowly opened them. "MY name," he replied, "Is Samuel Aran...but you can just call me Sam, alright? Actually, I DEMAND that you call me Sam!"

Snake coughed. "You're in no position to make demands, you know, Sammy boy..."

"S-SAMUEL ARAN?!! WHAT THE HELL?!!" It was at this point that Kirby finally decided to interject. His obnoxious vocal chords were still as strong as ever.

Sam visably winced in pain, sputtering, "Ugh...please don't say my full name!! I-I hate it! God, It's so embarrassing...just hearing it makes my stomach churn..."

"Oops! Sorry about that," 'Hmm...this guy is a total pussy compared to his original, sexy female counterpart...'

Although Snake loosened his grip on the pistol only slightly, he did not dare put it away just yet. "So, tell me, Mr. Aran...where are we, and what's up with this smog? Just what the hell is going on?"

"You got me," Sam shrugged his shoulders.

Snake cursed under his breath, while Kirby simply sighed. It was just their luck to conveniently run into someone who was practically as clueless as they were.

"Although I don't know where we are, I have been wandering around this place long enough to figure out a few things..." Sam continued, apparently having used that long pause before for the sake of dramatic effect. In response, Snake pistol-whipped him once. Kirby giggled like the immature twat he is.

"Tell me what you know!" Snake barked. It was obvious that his patience was running thin.

"Okay...well, although this smog is incredibly thick, I have come across a few old, run-down buildings around here; they looked like apartments and old stores and stuff. We might be somewhere in an old town or city or something. Also, while this place may seem eerily quiet and devoid of life, I can assure you that it is not...there are monsters everywhere!"

"Monsters?!" Kirby gulped.

"Yeah...and they're powerful, so be careful!" Sam exclaimed.

Suddenly, a mysterious figure stepped out of the shadows, having been eavesdropping on the conversation the entire time. "I bearieve...that I can help you!!"

"What the-?!"

"Holy crap!"

"IT'S...IT'S...IT'S COLONEL SANDERS!"

"Silly beatniks! It's me, Teddie! I'm bearry pleased to meet you all!" The rotund, cartoonish bear (complete with circus-tent colors and stripes all over his body) stuck his tongue out playfully. Snake and Sam were speechless; Kirby, however, was filled with rage.

"CURSE YOU TO HELL, YOU DAMN BEAR MASCOT!!!"

Apparently, Teddie had already crossed the line by his second bear-related pun, and Kirby proceeded to viciously pulverize his face in...


	10. The AU 3

Disclaimer: I do not own the Super Smash Bros. series, nor do I own any other characters/series/mentioning of real persons that may appear. The only things I own are the OCs and the plot, really...

A/N: BTW, in case you're wondering...the insane little rants at the beginnings of the recent chapters are actually important...but more about that will be revealed later, so please don't let it annoy you if it does...

* * *

_Twiddle...twiddle...twiddle...twiddle...twiddle-dee...twiddle-dum...twiddle-do...twiddle-don't...TWIDDLE!!!_

_Kirby...you blew it up...you blew it up and you don't care...hoo hoo hoo...thank you...thank you so much...you spaz..._

* * *

"TAKE THIS!! AND THIS!! AND SOME OF THESE!!! AND MAYBE A FEW OF THESE TOO! AND POSSIBLY A QUARTER-POUNDER OF THIS!!! WE'RE HAVING A DISCOUNT TODAY ON THESE!! AND-"

Solid Snake gave Kirby a light kick in the back. "He's unconscious already; cut it out."

Oh," Kirby stared down at the bloody, swollen mess that was once poor Teddie's face, "Sorry about that, man..."

Samuel Aran, who had finally been able to win Snake's trust (for now), walked over and picked up a rather bulky envelope lying at the bear's feet. Inside of the envelope were three pairs of what appeared to be reading glasses. Sam raised an eyebrow incredulously.

"The hell are these things?!" he asked aloud.

"Put 'em on! Maybe they do something freaky!" said Kirby, smirking to himself.

"Why would they do something freaky?" Snake inquired.

"Well, uh...since everything else around us seems to be all freaky and shit, I just...I just figured-"

"Dammit, even my Codec isn't working..."

"YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!!"

Sighing heavily, Sam reluctantly placed the glasses on his face. Almost immediately, he let out a gasp of shock. "Holy crap, these things let me see directly through the smog...and it's not even burning my throat and nostrils anymore either!! It's amazing!"

Being a 'man of the world', Snake was obviously suspicious of this statement. "Hmph...give me a pair, and let me try 'em out..."

Sam tossed the soldier a pair of light-blue specs, and in a few seconds, Snake was nearly about to shoot himself in the foot. "My god, they DO work!!" he exclaimed.

"I guess you can have the last pair, Kirby..." Sam remarked, holding them out to the pink puffball.

Kirby crossed his arms with an indignant look. "I dunno...glasses make me look fat. Also, I don't have ears, so they can't stay on without simply breaking all laws of physics and saying that they don't fall off because they don't fall off, which doesn't make a lick of sense to me, personally..."

"JUST WEAR THEM! It's your fault that the bear that took time out of his own busy schedule to help us save the day is in a catatonic state right now!!"

"Okay, okay! Geez...pickin' on the little guy as always..."

Once the three of them had finished becoming accustomed to their new eye-wear, they finally rushed out of the dirty alleyway, only to come to a halt yet again. They were surrounded by what appeared to be a large mob of rotting, undead corpses, A.K.A. zombies. One of them happened to be carrying an over-sized cleaver and wearing a giant pyramid-shaped helmet, as well.

"Dammit," Snake cursed under his breath, "I knew we shouldn't have spent 30 minutes standing around in that alleyway doing nothing...!"

"Zombies?! I mean, okay, it might make a bit of sense, but still...WHY'D IT HAVE TO BE ZOMBIES?!!" Samuel whined like a little bitch.

"RUN FOR IT...OR BLOW THEM ALL DOWN!! EITHER OPTION IS FINE!!" Kirby roared before pouncing at the nearest zombie with his Final Cutter blade.

Snake tumbled forward, and threw a pair of grenades at two rather large zombies, blowing their bodies to pieces. "WHERE WOULD WE RUN TO?!" He proceeded to shove the barrel of his pistol against the melted face of another zombie and fired twice. Several more zombies were easily felled by his powerful spin-kick.

"I DUNNO! I WAS JUST TRYING TO ACT COOL!" Kirby replied, despite knowing full well how rude it was to talk when you were chewing on a mouth-full of zombie flesh.

"These blasted things...so disgusting! They just keep coming!!" Sam cursed as he sent about ten zombies flying at once with a charged-up Power Beam shot.

"Stop whining!" Snake chided the blonde man as he tore a zombie's head clean off.

Suddenly, before Kirby had the chance to make a rather witty remark, the ground began to tremble violently. The vibration was so strong that Snake was nearly knocked off-balance. The remaining zombies halted their snail-like pacing, and turned their undivided attention towards the opposite end of the old road. The shaking grew even more prominent, and a loud trumpet-like wailing filled the air. The zombies then proceeded to take on a sort of Nazi-esque stance, even going so far as saluting...at least, the ones that still had hands did.

"W...What's going on?!" Samuel shouted over the tremor.

"I-I think something's...something's coming!!" Kirby cried nervously.

"Damn...this is gonna be a long day..." sighed Snake.

As soon as Snake had spoken those words, the trembling stopped. There was a short pause, and then something gigantic came crashing down from the sky right in front of them, sending up a thick cloud of dust in the process. When the dust cleared, Kirby and the others were made momentarily speechless by the hideous monstrosity that now stood before them. The other zombies were still standing in salute.

The monster in question mainly resembled a gigantic black rat, except it had four equally huge, rotting, dark-green human arms sprouting out from its sides. The left side of the rat's face was torn wide open, revealing the shattered bloody skull that laid underneath. Its gaping mouth was filled with several rows of razor-sharp teeth, and a forked tongue. Oddly enough, a tiny African parrot was perched atop the creature's furry head.

"I am Kaevin, the ruler of the zombie populace that inhabits this city..." the parrot stated in a scratchy voice.

Kirby couldn't believe his eyes. "Whoa! That hideous rat-thing is talking through that bird!!"

"What the hell are you talking about?!! My name is Eugene, you pink bastard!" the rat suddenly spoke up.

"EEP!!"

"Anywaaaaaay...as I was saying before being rudely interrupted," Kaevin threw a nasty glare in Kirby's direction, "I am the ruler of all of the zombies that live here, and I must say I am quite displeased with you three so far...quite displeased indeed. Not only did you come to this city uninvited, but you've actually gone and killed a large number of our people. That, my good sirs, is damn dirty murder you're committing!! I DON'T LIKE DAMN DIRTY MURDER!"

"Uh, well, to be fair...they were already dead in the first place..." Sam pointed out.

"SILENCE! As one of the five masters that rules this accursed ghetto of hell, I will not let your deeds go unpunished! My personal guard here, who earlier on introduced himself as Eugene, will devour your pathetic, fleshy, non-rotting bodies!!!"

"OH, BUTTER BISCUITS!!"

Eugene reared its head far back, and let loose a terrible, booming screech. Just as it was prepared to pounce, Kirby and Snake spun around and began running away as fast their legs (and round oval-shaped red feet) could carry them. It took Sam a little bit longer for him to do the same. It took even longer than that before the zombies realized that they were supposed to be CHASING AFTER the homicidal intruders.


	11. The AU 4

Disclaimer: I do not own the Super Smash Bros. series, nor do I own any other characters/series/mentioning of real persons that may appear. The only things I own are the OCs and the plot, really...

* * *

_..................._

* * *

'Hmm...no voice mocking me in my head this time...no, wait, there's already other three voices who do that...' Kirby thought, feeling slightly puzzled by this. Then, he remembered about the massive hoard of murderous undead chasing after him, and he screamed like a little baby girl.

"Great! This is JUST GREAT! I wish I had my trusty box with me right now!" Solid Snake exclaimed.

"WHAT THE HELL IS A BOX GOING TO DO?!!" snapped Kirby in response.

"...We could hide under it," The expression that Snake wore on his face as he said this proved that he was dead serious. It frightened Kirby immensely.

"This not exactly the best time to be arguing, you guys!" Samuel pointed out as he fired several shots at the zombie mob, hoping to somehow slow them down. Unfortunately, it had no effect, as the zombies were already pretty damn slow themselves.

"Look, kid, if you can't appreciate the box to its full capacity, then I don't see any hope in your future..." Snake continued to berate the pink puffball.

"What?! Oh, come on, Mr. Snake, you don't...you don't really mean that!" Kirby put on his best 'sad-puppy-dog-eyes' look.

Snake looked away, obviously miffed. "Hmph..."

"CUT IT OUT, YOU TWO!!" Samuel bellowed at the top of his lungs.

Suddenly, Eugene came crashing down in front of the three Smashers, cutting off their only escape route, effectively trapping them with ease. "YOU THREE BASTARDS...AIN'T GETTING AWAY THAT EASILY!!" The giant rat snarled through its jagged, yellow teeth. King Kaevin let out a loud squawk.

Already shaking from head to toe, Samuel did his best to try and reason with the zombie king one more time. "Look...please don't kill us, Mr. King Kaevin of All Zombies, sir. I...we...uh, we promise we won't cause any more trouble! We swear!"

"I don't swear shit!" Snake swiftly interjected.

"QUIET, SNAKE! Listen...we just need to take care of a few things, and then...and then we'll be off! Okay? Please...I'm sure you can find the will to forgive us, somewhere deep down in your heart...?"

Kaevin did not even bother spending more than five seconds pondering over it. "NO. YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE."

"WAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!"

Snake slowly began to pull out his pistol from his side-pocket. His eyes remained glued to the cocky little avian. He was already formulating a rather convoluted plan in the back of his mind; he would only have one chance to shoot the bird, and if it dies, it might just distract the zombies long enough for them to escape. If he failed to kill it, then they were most certainly doomed.

However, the graveness of the situation was suddenly and unexpectedly shattered when Kirby let out a ridiculously loud sigh.

"WHAT?!" Kaevin cawed furiously.

"I was...hoping I wouldn't have to use this so soon...you know," Kirby was now speaking with a slight British accent.

"WHAT THE FUGGA ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!!"

"Well, my dear sweet birdy-boy, I have brought with me...a trump card, if you will. It has been kept safe and snug within the fourth sector of my stomach. I had been holding onto it long before we even came to this deranged world, and now...I can finally use it!"

"WELL?! WHAT IS IT?! I DEMAND YOU TELL ME RIGHT NOW!!"

"Very well! You asked to be placed into a sticky wicket...and now you shall be!" Kirby reached far into his mouth, and after digging around for a few seconds, pulled out a Smash Ball, the very same item that the Smashers had been trying to sell only a few chapters ago!

"...THE HELL IS THAT THING?!" Kaevin demanded to know, having never laid his eyes on such a spherical object before.

Smirking, Kirby punched the Smash Ball once, causing it to shatter. His body then became enveloped in an ethereal glow. "THIS IS...MY FINAL SMASH!!!" A chef's hat materialized itself atop Kirby's head, and then a gigantic golden pot filled to the brim with boiling hot water fell down from the sky beside him. Then, the pink puffball unsheathed a spatula and a frying pan...

...And kicked the pot over, causing the hot liquid to pour all over the zombies and Eugene.

"You're doing it wrong!" cried Samuel over all of the banter.

"GYAAAAAAAAH!!! IT...IT BUUUURNS!!!" Eugene screamed, flailing about wildly as his rotten skin melted away due to the heat. The other zombies were in similar states, and they were melting as well. Kirby laughed evilly as he watched the undead struggle to survive.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Eugene was about to pounce onto Kirby, most likely to rip him limb from limb, but he was blown away by several blasts from Samuel's Power Beam. The rat hit the ground with a thud, and he no longer made a sound.

Horrified that his army of undead has been defeated so easily, Kaevin quickly attempted to flutter away to safety. The parrot did not make it far before he was killed by a single bullet to the back, courtesy of Solid Snake. And that was that.

Kirby yawned as he threw his chef's hat off to the side. "Well, now that that's out of the way, shall we get going?"

"Uh..." Sam shook his head to snap himself out of his dazed state, "Y-Yeah...sure,"

'Hmph...using that boiling water to stop the zombies in their tracks...I would've said that's impressive, except for the fact that having them all get sucked up into the pot like usual would have probably been a better idea,' Snake thought as he reloaded his pistol, making sure to stomp on the heads of any burned zombies he past by.

"WAIT A MINUTE!!" the talking pink ball exclaimed at the top of his lungs.

"What?!"

"WE THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GO NOW ANYWAY?!!"

"...That's a good question..."

"Maybe," Snake said, raising his arm slightly and pointing straight ahead, "We should check that out...?"

Kirby and Sam looked to the direction Snake indicated, and saw that, through the thick viel of smog up ahead, there was a gigantic castle-like mansion in the distance.

"That seems to be as good of a place as any to start searching for answers!" Kirby shrugged.

Of course, despite all of their high hopes and tough words, none of them actually expected to find anything useful in that building...but they went anyway.


	12. The AU 5

Disclaimer: I do not own the Super Smash Bros. series, nor do I own any other characters/series/parodies of real persons that may appear. The only things I own are the OCs and the plot, really...

* * *

_Kirby...don't go into that mansion...Kirby...don't go into that mansion...or I'll kill you, Kirby...I will...I have the power..._

* * *

Kirby rolled his eyes in response to the threat. 'Hmph! You couldn't land a single hit on me, I bet!' he thought boastfully.

The old mansion was located less than a mile out of the ruined city's boundaries, at the top of a small incline. It was surrounded by a tall metal fence, although the front gate was oddly enough left ajar. The building itself appeared to be in a state of extreme disrepair, with all of the front windows shattered and half of the roof having collapsed in on itself. After making sure that there were no enemies lying in wait for them on the front lawn of the mansion, Snake motioned for Kirby and Samuel to follow him.

"Ugh," Samuel winced, "I...I don't like this place. It has a really uncomfortable atmosphere...and it smells like corpses!"

"QUIT YOUR DANG, DERN BELLYACHING, DAGNABBIT!" Spoken like a true prospector, Kirby slapped Sam across the face in annoyance.

"W-What did you do that for?!"

"'CUZ I AIN'T FOUND NO GOLD YET IN THESE DAMP, DARK MINES, CORN-FLABBIT!!"

"CUT IT OUT!!!"

"TARNATION TO THE ABOMINATION!!! HAIL TO THE CHIEF, YA FLIPPIN' DOUCHE!!"

Samuel muttered a string of curse words under his breath as he walked away, rubbing his bruised cheek gently. Before Kirby could make any more completely unnecessary quips, he was hit in the head by something heavy that seemed to have fallen from the sky. Picking it up, he was surprised to see that it was...a giant white radish.

"What the hell is-"

Kirby's words were cut off when the radish suddenly exploded right in his face, knocking him backwards in the process. Sam and Snake glanced upwards to see several more of the explosive radishes plummeting down towards them. They barely leaped out of the way just in time as the radishes erupted, dousing the Smashers in a grimy mixture of dirt and grass. More and more radishes continued to fall down upon them, with no end in sight. The dull-looking front yard had become a war-torn battlefield in merely a few seconds.

"Argh! What the hell is this?! Where are these damn things coming from?!" Snake shouted as he fired a bullet into an oncoming radish, causing it to explode in mid-air. However, he was immediately flanked by another radish on his right, and its subsequent explosion nearly shattered his ribs.

Sam glanced up towards the roof of the mansion, and left out a gasp. "There's someone on the roof, throwing these exploding vegetables at us!!" he cried.

Snake clutched his wounded side tightly. "Well?! Shoot him down! Hurry!!"

"R-Right!" Despite the eruptions going on all around him, Sam slowly closed his eyes and raised his Power Beam towards the roof. He took several deep breaths, and then opened his eyes again. There was a strong, determined look in his eyes now. Sam fired only one shot, and the figure on the roof collapsed backwards. The exploding radishes were no longer being thrown at them.

"Aww, man...what the hell was that?!" Kirby groaned; his face was drenched in his own blood, but that seemed to be of little importance to him.

"That bastard must have been trying to keep us from getting inside..." muttered Snake. "There must be something really important in there!"

"Oh dear...I hope he's at least still alive..." Sam nervously stated.

Suddenly, as if having explosive radishes being thrown at them wasn't enough, a man burst out of the ground. Like Sam, he had light-blonde hair that ran down to his shoulders, and he was incredibly handsome. He wore a dark-blue vest, a red cape, fashionable slim pants and a tiny crown that sat on the top of his head. There was a trail of fresh blood trickling down the side of his face. Finally, a small chunk of his right shoulder was missing, and blood was gushing out of it as well.

"Uh...hello there?"

"Hmph, you bloody gits really thought a single Power Beam shot would take me out?" The blonde man snorted, giving the Smashers a spiteful look, "Sure, you did chip off a nice bit of my shoulder there, but that's not nearly enough to take me out! Hell, I almost split my friggin' skull open when I fell on those hard rocks after you shot me, but I'm still alive, ain't I? Besides, you should be glad I'm still alive...this way you bastards won't get charged with man-slaughter!"

"I'm certified to eliminate anyone who tries to interfere with my missions, actually," Snake remarked, slowly taking out his pistol as he spoke.

"Oh. Uh...t-that won't be necessary, really. I was simply testing you three to observe whether you three were capable of helping us or not!" The man lied through his teeth. He really did think they were enemies for a moment. However, the statement about needing help was absolutely true.

"'Help us', you said? Is someone else inside of that building?"

"Indeed! You will get to meet him very shortly, and he shall explain everything to you all, but first, I would like to introduce myself! I am Prince Peach," The man named Peach bowed deeply, which only increased the amount of blood he was losing, and thus he lost consciousness.

Snake sighed heavily. "Ugh...we better just drag this idiot inside and look around the place ourselves..."

"I wonder if we'll see any ghosts!" Kirby chuckled to himself.

Sam shivered. "God, I hope not..."

* * *

_Meanwhile, back in the city..._

"Oh dear...poor, poor Kaevin..." a lone figure murmured quietly as he held the parrot's dead body in his palms, "I will avenge you, my friend...do not worry. I will kill the pink one and his friends, you can count on it..."

He slowly placed the parrot into an empty shoe-box, and then dropped said shoe-box into a nearby trashcan.

"Goodnight, sweet prince..."


	13. The AU 6

Disclaimer: I do not own the Super Smash Bros. series, nor do I own any other characters/series/parodies of real persons that may appear. The only things I own are the OCs and the plot, really...

* * *

As soon as the Smashers had reached the front doors of the old mansion, Prince Peach immediately snapped back into consciousness. He flipped off of Solid Snake's back (the older man had been carrying him up until now), and landed in front of the three brawlers with almost cat-like agility. He was no longer bleeding from either his head or his shoulder.

"I'm sure you all want to go inside, right?!" he cackled.

"...Yes," Snake sighed; he was already growing rather annoyed with this boy.

"Well, you can't,"

"WHY NOT?!!"

"Because..." Prince Peach paused for a moment, "I'll need to ask my friend first if it's alright. This is his home, after all."

"Then ask him already!" Kirby snapped.

"I'll be right back." Prince Peach opened the double-doors behind him, and stepped into the darkness within. He returned about three minutes later.

"Follow me..."

* * *

The interior of the mansion was as expected: not very pleasant. The long, narrow hallways were caked in dust all over, the navy-blue wallpaper was peeling off, and pieces of debris and rotting flesh littered the floor. It also didn't help that the only actual source of light was from a single candle that Prince Peach was carrying as he lead the Smashers deeper into the building. Kirby and Sam huddled close to Snake for protection. Photographs were noticeable hanging on the walls, but it was too dark to see what they were depicting.

Snake coughed into his fist. "So...where the hell are we anyway? What city are we in?"

"Yukon Town." Prince Peach replied, confirming what Snake had already suspected.

"What happened to this place? Why are there zombies? What about the Smash Mansion?"

"My friend will be able to answer your questions, do not fear. Regarding this Smash Mansion you speak of, however...I have never heard of it."

"Dammit..."

Princess Peach came to a halt upon reaching a large, scarlet-red door right next to the broom closet. He gently rapped his knuckle against the door twice, and then a muffled voice replied "Come in".

Kirby gulped.

Sam gulped louder.

The door let out an eerie squeak as the Prince pushed it open with his palm. Once the three Smashers had walked past the door, Prince Peach slammed it shut behind them and flipped on the light switch. This time even Snake had to gasp.

The room they had entered was small and surprisingly well-furnished. There was a bookcase positioned in each corner of the room, and a small round table that sat in the very center of the carpeted floor. There was a man was sitting in an armchair next to the table, his eyes glued to the novel he held in his palms. His skin was rather tan, and he had a thick crew-cut hair style. He wore a simple suit and jeans. Prince Peach had to actually punch the wall several times before the man finally looked up at them.

"Oh! Welcome, everyone!" he spoke in a pleasant tone. He gave off the immediate impression that he had been expecting them for some time.

Prince Peach placed one arm across his stomach and bowed. "Master Reg...I shall leave you to converse with the guests, and return to my post to keep watch for intruders..."

"Very good. See to it, then."

Prince Peach gave Kirby, Snake and Sam a slight nod before exiting the room. The man named Reg placed his book down on the table; the front cover depicted Elmo sitting atop of the potty with his shorts down...ALTHOUGH ELMO DOESN'T WEAR SHORTS, DOES HE?!!

"So you're the guy who owns this dump, huh?" Kirby was the first to speak up, and he decided to do so in a rather rude fashion.

"Ha Ha! You could say that, yes..." Reg nodded.

"I could say anything I want, you know!"

"Yes, I do."

"...Right...uh, Snake, you handle this one,"

Sighing, Snake took a step forward, and began, "Master Reg-"

Reg held out his palm, cutting Snake off. "Please. Just call me Reg...or F-A...or...or even Reg F-A, or possibly R-F-A if you so desire! There's no need to put 'Master' or 'Lord' or even 'Duke' before my name! In fact, call me Gary and nothing else!"

"Err," Snake was not entirely sure how to respond, "F-Fine...Reg, can you please explain to us just what in the world is happening here in this city right now?"

Sighing, Reg/Gary clasped his hands tightly, and all of the sudden his cheery facial expression became deadly serious. The aura he was emitting grew thick and dense, so much so that it was actually visible to Kirby and the others as a shining golden light surrounding his very being. "If I tell you this information...what will you do with it?" he spoke without a hint of aggression, yet the look in his eyes were practically radiating blood lust.

Snake exchanged glances with Kirby, who in turn did so with Sam. "Whatever you want us to do with it," the secret agent replied with a wave of his hand.

Gone as quickly as it had came, Reg's deadly aura vanished in a flash, and he leaned back comfortably in his reclining chair. "Very good! I was hoping you would say that!" he seemed to be unnaturally upbeat once again. Snake was growing increasingly impatient with all of these bipolar freaks he had to deal with.

"So...tell us what's going on about the city's current situation," Snake repeated his previous question.

"Right...right! Yes...well, you see...the entire city is covered in a thick blanket of smog, and it is that smog that causes the creation of the zombies that now reside in the town. Only those with powerful battle auras (namely Prince Peach and myself) or the special glasses (the ones you three are wearing) are capable of walking through the smog without suffering its horrible effects. All of the city's original residents are either dead or have been transformed into mindless zombies that obey the orders of King Kaevin...at least, they did until you killed that stupid bird, and now they're just roaming about endlessly in search of flesh of the living, but that is a fruitless endeavor, to say the least..."

"That's...that's awful," Sam murmured aloud.

"Indeed..."

"Where did this smog come from? To turn people into zombies of all things...it must have been man-made..." stated Snake.

Reg nodded his head slightly. "You are correct; it is a powerful man-made toxin that has been reduced into a smog-like state; it causes rapid deterioration of both the body and the mind, yet the beings infected by it continue to live, forcing them to endure horrible pain as their bodies fall to pieces. This very city had been unwillingly chosen as the main test subject for the gas, which is what brought it to its current state,"

"...Who would do such a thing?" Sam looked absolutely horrified.

"Should I break him down...WITH MY FOOT?!" proclaimed Kirby with a maniacal laugh.

"Did you three happen to see a large tower in the distance when you were in the city?" Reg asked.

The three Smashers shook their heads.

"WHAT?! SERIOUSLY?!! BUT...BUT IT STICKS OUT LIKE A SOAR THUMB, AND EVERYTHING...I mean, geez...ugh, fine, I'll explain it all. On the very opposite side of town there is a tower. Inside of that tower are the machines responsible for pumping out the smog into the atmosphere. At the moment only this area is being effected by the smog, but I fear that soon it will be sent out all over the world and essentially bring down the remains of society with it...!"

Snake thought to himself for a few seconds. "So what you need us to do is to go and destroy the machines, as well as defeat whoever is operating them too?" He spoke as if he was reading his lines off of a piece of paper.

"Yes! Also, if only to give you and your pink friend an actual reason to help me, there is a special device located within the tower that will allow you two to return to your original dimension! That would definitely brighten up your day, wouldn't it?"

Snake and Kirby were both quite bewildered by Reg's statement. "...Say what now?"

"Is there a problem?" Reg asked.

"IS THERE REALLY SUCH A THING AS A DEVICE THAT CAN WARP PEOPLE BETWEEN DIMENSIONS?!!" Kirby cried out, tiny stars twinkling in his cartoonish eyes.

"Yup!"

"SHWEEEEEEEEEEEEEET..."

"Hold on here!" Snake interjected, "Why haven't you and your little servant boy Peach gone and destroyed those machines yet?!"

"Well, that's because of Iarukas and his minions, of course...you three may be able to take them on though, with Prince Peach helping you as well..." Reg replied matter-of-factly.

"...Iarukas?"

"He is...the master of the tower, and the one responsible for all of this. He was a good man once...and a close friend of mine...but one day he decided to visit the other dimension, and he returned with a completely different personality, that of an insane madman...I cannot stop him, but I hope that you may be able to...I wish to bring an end to this whole mess once and for all,"

Kirby took out his Death Note and began scribbling their enemy's name down. "Hmm...how do you spell 'Iarukas'?"

Suddenly, there was a loud explosion, followed by a scream from outside. Reg jumped out of his seat, face white as snow. Snake and Kirby turned their attention to the door behind them, which slowly began to creak open. Prince Peach stumbled in with his face and clothes splattered in blood. Sam let out a gasp.

"S...Sorry, Master Reg...I failed you..." Prince Peach muttered solemnly.

"What?"

Prince Peach was unable to reply, for the tip of a blade pierced through his throat, and he collapsed to reveal a man standing behind him. The man had long, wavy blonde hair, a pointy nose and large droopy eyes that gave him an almost empathetic expression. He wore a slim, black jumpsuit that covered his entire body all the way up to his neck. He smiled weakly at Kirby and the others as he carefully stepped over Peach's corpse.

"Hey hey, this is nice...all of my targets are hanging out together! Makes my job a hell of alot easier! Even the bastard that killed Kaevin is here!" The man chuckled; his left eye seemed to throb violently with every syllable he spoke.

"He...he killed Peach...so easily..." stammered Reg in horror.

Kirby took in a deep breath, and then, his rage now at maximum, bellowed, "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!!"

"Oh? I'm just...a professional killer," the man placed a hand over his face, and smiled to reveal jagged, shark-like teeth, "You can call me Ayen if you'd like. While my client did request that I kill you four, I'm also here to get revenge for poor Kaevin; he was a good little birdy, y'know, and it would feel great to make you jerks suffer...but in any case..."

Kirby blinked once, and saw that Ayen was no longer standing in the doorway. He was now directly in front of Reg, with his blade shoved deep into the man's stomach. Reg didn't even have time to react.

"...I'll end this quickly."


	14. The AU 7

Disclaimer: I do not own the Super Smash Bros. series, nor do I own any other characters/series/parodies of real persons that may appear. The only things I own are the OCs and the plot, really...

* * *

Ayen was truly beaming with joy as he watched Reg collapse to the floor, blood spewing out of his abdomen like tomato juice pouring out of a punctured can. For a few short moments, his sword glowed with a powerful sky-blue aura, and then it reverted to normal. Kirby, Snake and Sam immediately got into their fighting positions.

"Hmph...for someone who was originally my client's equal, he sure was weak..." Ayen mused, giving Reg's motionless body a gentle kick.

"So, man...what's your ability?" Kirby asked casually as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

Snake said nothing, and neither did Sam.

"...Why should I tell you? What would make me want to tell you?" Ayen replied to the talking pink ball. He raised his sword slightly.

"Because," Kirby smirked, "I wanna know why you're so fast..."

"Really now..."

"Yeah."

"I'm not telling you."

"C'mon..."

"No."

"Just a hint."

"Nuh-uh."

"Please?"

"No way."

"Pretty please?"

"I said no, dammit..."

"Pretty please with sugar-coated sprinkles and a French mime's left testicle on top?"

"What the hell?"

"Okay, then, how about this? I'll give you a dollar later if you tell me."

"...Fine..."

'He'll reveal the secrets of his powers for a single dollar...?!' Sam thought in utter disbelief.

Pushing Reg out of the way, Ayen sat down in the armchair and clasped his hands tightly together. "Well..." he began slowly, "My sword has the ability to absorb speed of anyone or anything it cuts, and I can then inject that speed into the leg muscles of my body, allowing me to move nearly at the speed of light,"

Kirby wore a blank expression. "ZUH?"

Ayeh sighed. "Look, it's like this...whenever I cut my opponent, my sword absorbs a varying amount of Speed Energy (or S.E.) that all depends on just how wide and how deep the cut is. The Speed Energy sapped from my opponent makes them move slower, which has the bonut effect of also making them easier to hit, so basically you would have to avoid being hit even once when in battle with me. However, since I've stored up alot of Speed Energy from earlier as you just saw, I'm still capable of moving incredibly fast, so it's pretty much impossible for you to dodge my attacks..."

"It's called...Speed Energy."

"Uh-huh."

"Energy in the form...of speed?"

"That's what it is, basically."

"Weird."

"I know, right?"

Snake didn't see any reason to bother wasting more time with their idiotic bullshit. Within only a few seconds, he pulled out his pistol and blasted several bullets directly at Ayen's face. However, they all simply passed through the man as if he were made of smoke. Snake cursed under his breath.

"The bullets went right through him?!!"

"Actually, I just moved out of the way for a split-second and then returned to my original position," Ayen explained with a cocky smirk.

"Hmph...don't you wanna kill us? What's taking so long?" Snake goaded the enemy. He had a back-up plan in case shooting him didn't work, but it had a high possibility of failure. He ignored the furious glares Sam and Kirby threw in his direction and kept all attention solely on Ayen. If anything, they only had one chance at this. He needed to test out a hypothesis.

Ayen rolled his eyes. "I'm getting there, man! Hold your horses!! I just wanna get the pink guy's Social Security number..."

"ME?!" Kirby gasped.

"Yeah, you owe me a dollar, right? Well, I wouldn't be able to get that dollar if you're dead, and if you're dead, you won't need the rest of your worldly possessions either!"

"That IS true..." Kirby contemplated to himself. He actually began to take out his wallet when Samuel bonked him over the head.

"Heh heh heh...better hand it over soon! By the way," Ayen turned to look over at Snake, "What are you thinking about?"

"W-What?" Snake tensed up. His plan was starting now; he had to make sure to put on all of the right facial expressions along with using the correct dialogue so as to take control of the conversation.

"You look a little tense there...lighten up. There's nothing going on to make you nervous, riiiiight?"

"You're a real dick, you know that?"

"I've been called that quite alot in the past! Bwa ha ha ha!!"

"You did say you wanted to end it quickly when you attacked Reg, though..."

"Are you still bummed about that, dude? I don't always follow through with what I say; I'm only human after all! Soon enough I'll get to it, and then I'm gonna go home and make myself a piping hot cup of tea and watch Gilmore Girls or something..."

"That show sucks."

For the first time in the past ten minutes, Ayen raised his sword. "TAKE THAT BACK." He looked like he was truly ready to kill him at any moment now. His eyes were wide open and practically bulging out of their sockets.

Surprisingly enough, Snake grinned. "Make me." he sneered.

"OKAY." Ayen vanished and reappeared in front of Snake within the space of a single second. However, before the blonde could so much as bring his blade near Snake's face, he was sent flying backwards by a powerful punch right to the gut. He crashed head-first into the armchair, and slumped forward. Ayen quickly got back on his feet, though.

"W-What the fuck, old man?!!" he screamed furiously.

Snake looked rather proud regarding his accomplishment of hitting the speedy little bastard. "I had to take a risk to find this out, but even though you may be able to move fast, you still have slow down to normal speed the moment you begin to strike, and that was more than enough time for me to land a hit! The only person who can hit you at this time is the very one you're attacking!"

Ayen couldn't believe it; the single, minute flaw in his attack strategy had been discovered so quickly. While Snake was not entirely sure if whether this weakness of Ayen's was true or not, he had a hunch about it ever since he saw Reg being attacked. Kirby and Sam were aware of the flaw now as well. In the end, it all depends on who will be the fastest at the moment of the attack.

"Do you really think that would make me any easier to defeat, though?!"

"...Maybe." Snake shrugged.

"WHY, YOU-"

Ayen pounced, and swung at Snake's head, but Snake had anticipated the attack and was able to move his head out of the way just in time. Kirby tried to gnaw on Ayen's ankle, but he was simply kicked off to the side. Sam fired several shots from his Power Beam, but as expected, Ayen avoided them easily. The blonde was still focused on killing Snake, however, but his subsequent attacks only resulted in him getting a bloody nose and leaving a small scratch on the older man's cheek; it wasn't even deep enough to draw blood!

"FFFFFFFFUCK!!!" Ayen was really becoming agitated now. While Snake was rather slow when it came to top running speed, his ability to avoid oncoming attacks was impeccable. Ayen figured he must have been training his entire life to focus more on evasion than on offense, although he still did put alot of power into the few punches he was able to get in. Finally, after several minutes of constant dodging, Ayen saw an opening, and he took it without hesitation.

Snake cringed as the blade's edge tore against his side, and his blood splattered onto the carpet floor. Laughing like a mad man, Ayen swung again, and this time his blade just barely missed Snake's neck; his sword had absorbed most of Snake's speed in dodging, so now Ayen's chances in landing a fatal hit dramatically increased.

"HOLD ON, SNAKE!!" Kirby rolled in, and smacked his round red foot across Ayen's face. Ayen was only seeing red now; he wanted to kill these pieces of shit as soon as possible. He prepared to slice Kirby vertically in half...

It was at that moment that the bombs, stored in various locations all over the second floor of the mansion, were set off. How, you may wonder? By Reg himself, who had been feigning death the entire time. Of course, he was soon going to be dead anyway due to the injuries, so he figured he might as well not only go out with a bang, but take the enemy with him. Small chunks of the ceiling began to fall to the floor, along with all of the dust and debris that had accumulated over the years.

"GO!! NOW!!! PRINCE PEACH IS WAITING OUT BACK WITH TRANSPORTATION!!!" Reg shouted at Kirby, Snake and Sam, "I'LL HOLD THIS BASTARD BACK!!"

"YOU WERE ALIVE?!!" Ayen fumed.

"What the hell?! We were just about to fight this guy! And how is Prince Peach alive?" Kirby whined, which isn't really too surprising considering his personality.

"You'll need to save all of your strength for Iarukas and his top men! I only lied about that being Peach so as to keep the enemy from finding out! That was his lame twin brother Prince Daisy!"

"...Oh! Awesome!"

Snake, Samuel and Kirby wasted no further time in kicking down the door and making their way for the entrance; they could just go around the side of the building once they got outside. Spinning a string of curses under his breath, Ayen attempted to follow after them, only to find his feet were held to the floor by glowing chains. He looked over at Reg, who appeared to be laughing at him; his ability was to create chains that could hold anyone or anything firmly in place.

The ceiling finally gave way on top of them.

"NO...NO...YOU MOTHERFUCKER...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

Kirby, Snake and Sam were able to escape the building just as it collapsed in on itself, crushing both of the people who had still been inside.


	15. The AU 8

Disclaimer: I do not own the Super Smash Bros. series, nor do I own any other characters/series/parodies of real persons that may appear. The only things I own are the OCs and the plot, really...

A/N: At the moment the story is an incredibly improved version of the comic, so alot of stuff in here will be more recent in terms of references and such, hence the little Bayonetta and Monster Hunter shit. I appreciate all reviews as well. I'll try and come up with ideas for new fics too.

They're still wearing those glasses, too, by the way.

One last thing to make sure you all know: the 'red man' Yate in this chapter is in no way supposed to be anything racist; it's just a tall, muscular bald guy in undergarments with red skin...he got a really bad sun-burn.

* * *

Standing in front of the large pile of debris that was once the mansion, Kirby let out a loud yawn that caught Snake and Sam's attention.

"Hmm...I'm bored...oh, yeah, we're still stuck in the AU, huh?"

"OF COURSE WE ARE, YOU IDIOT!!"

"Damn...I think we should just hurry up and do what we gotta do already..."

"It takes time, okay?! Ya gotta be patient! Besides, you've done little to nothing so far, mister main character!"

"Hey! HEY!! I'll be ready to fight real soon, you know that...!"

"Fine, whatever, you little pink prick..."

"Good god...that was mean."

"Deal with it."

"I'm gonna go and complain to my girlfriend about this injustice." Kirby took out his cellphone and punched in a few numbers before holding it up to the side of his face. "Hey, Bayonetta-honey? Yeah, it's me, Kirby...uh-huh, how ya doin', sweetie? I just felt like checking up on ya and all, since I'm kind of bored, and I was nearly killed about a chapter ago...oh, what's that? You dumped me about five years ago? Really? That would explain why you stopped calling me, visiting me, or even acknowledging my existence at all. There's a restraining order, too? Oh...well, uh, sorry...I won't bother you anymore, then," he then hung up.

"She'll come around soon enough to realizing she still loves me." Kirby told Sam with a cocky grin. Sam sighed and rolled his eyes.

Snake, meanwhile, silently lit a cigarette in honor of Reg; he hadn't known the man for more than an hour, but to willingly give up his life to save them like that was quite commendable. The three of them simply stood around doing nothing until Sam finally remembered just what it was Reg had told them to do.

"We're supposed to go and meet up with Prince Peach around back, right?"

"Oh, yeah! I wonder how he feels about his master and his twin brother both being killed..."

Suddenly, completely out of nowhere, Prince Peach fell down from the sky and landed in front of the Smashers. "I feel like someone had stripped me of my undergarments, grasped tightly onto both of my nuts, and squeezed them until they burst into thousands of tiny pieces..." he explained calmly, although the look on his face showed just how truly furious he was.

"...That means you're upset, right?" Kirby asked.

Peach nodded.

"Alright then."

"Okay, we're wasting valuable time here, you know!" Snake exclaimed, adrenaline still pumping through his veins, "How are we gonna get to the tower so we can beat up that Iarukas guy, Peach?"

Peach snapped his fingers, and a gigantic, floating octopus-like creature hovered down near them. Its rotund body was covered with thick, green moss and debris. It let out a squeal upon seeing Kirby and it affectionately rubbed up against the pink puffball, nearly crushing him in the process.

"I think it might be mistaking you for one of its young or something..." Sam chuckled sheepishly.

"W-WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING?!!" Kirby cried. He just barely pulled himself out from the creature's gray underbelly.

Prince Peach gave the floating beast a gentle pat. "It's name is Yama Tsukami. It's classified in the official analog books as an Elder Dragon, despite it not looking anything like one...it doesn't really fit into any other category, though," he spoke as if he was reading the words directly off of a Wikipedia article.

"Is this thing safe?" inquired Sam.

"It all depends on if you'd rather be on something fast and dangerous or safe and slow..."

"Which one of those two is this thing?"

"A little of both, to be perfectly honest,"

"I see...and does it have cup holders?"

"...Possibly..."

"What do you mean, possibly? Does it have 'em or not?!"

"Look, it doesn't matter, okay? Let's just go!" Snake climbed on top of the giant squid and sat down firmly on the center of its head. He was in a bad mood now, and the only way to get him out of this rut was for him to beat up someone who severely deserves an ass-whooping, namely Iarukas and his minions. The others got on as well, and all Prince Peach had to do was touch Yama Tsukami's left eye for it to zoom off towards the tower at a total speed of 5 miles an hour. It might have been going even slower than that, actually.

"You know," Kirby stated after pondering on it for the last minute or so, "Isn't it kind of a bad idea that we're going into battle without even so much as preparing armor or something so we could lessen the chance of suffering fatal injuries?"

"It's more exciting this way," Snake replied.

Kirby had to admit that he had a point. He wrote it down to make sure he wouldn't forget it. He also made sure he wouldn't forget about tacos either.

Eventually, their destination, Iarukas' tower, came into the view of our heroes. It was a tall, cylinder-shaped structure covered in strange, yellow symbols that seemed to wrap around the building as if they were protecting it. The large double doors that led into the tower were being guarded by two equally large individuals. One of them was a tall, muscular humanoid with dark-red skin and a loincloth, while the other was...

Prince Peach's eyes widened. "What...is SHE doing here?" he murmured under his breath.

"Who?" Snake asked.

Peach did not reply; instead he just bit down on his lower lip nervously. Snake shrugged and turned away.

As soon as Yama Tsukami drew close enough, however, Prince Peach immediately leaped off and began charging straight towards the guards, not even considering just how dangerous of a situation he was putting himself into.

"Hey!! What the hell are you doing, you goddamn pretty-faced bastard?!!" Kirby screamed after the blonde, more annoyed by the prince's looks than by his careless actions. Snake and Sam followed suit with Peach, as there was little else left to do at this point.

The red-skinned guard chuckled softly under his breath as he watched the Smashers approach. "Hey, this is probably the first time in the last two months or so that we've finally had a chance to kill some intruders!"

"...Yeah..."The second guard beside him was a tall, buxom young reptilian woman...who just happened to look ALOT like Bowser, or at least she came from the same species as King Koopa. Her glassy sky-blue eyes were dully focused only on Prince Peach, who had already begun to pull out something from behind his back. It was a long, thin sword; similar to a rapier, but the handle was that of a regular blade. Peach's usually calm disposition was contorted with sudden rage.

"BOOOOOOOOOWWWWWSSSSS-"

Prince Peach's long-winded scream was abruptly cut short by a kick to the back of the neck from Kirby. "Hey, man, I may not have ears, but I can damn well hear...somehow...so shut the hell up!"

"Ugh...you...kuh...you almost...broke my...koff koff...my n-neck..." Prince Peach choked, now down on the ground on all fours.

"That's what you get for trying to act out like that!"

"W-W-What?!"

"IT'S OVER 9000!!! ...Your volume, that is."

"Goddamn you to hell."

"Hmph...my mom said the same thing to me when she found out I was the one who killed all the dinosaurs..."

"So it was YOU all along!"

Suddenly, Sam decided to take this opportunity to cry out, "HEY, LOOK OUT!!!"

Kirby and Peach both looked upward just in time to see the red man from earlier standing over them, his right arm pulled far back behind him. There was no way for either Kirby or Prince Peach to be able to react in time, and Sam and Snake weren't fast enough to jump into the fray. Laughing maniacally, the guard swung his fist at the two...only to stop just a few inches short of hitting Peach, and he collapsed onto his side. The Bowser-woman was standing behind him, the claws on her left hand dripping with blood.

"Alright! Justice is victorious...as usual!!" Kirby boasted for no particular reason.

"Bow..." Prince Peach gasped, "Bowsetta!"

"What are you doing here, Peach? I told you to leave me alone already; I'm through with you...now leave before Yate here wakes up...he's pretty good at taking stab wounds and surviving them..." Bowsetta snarled down at the blonde man. She had a hint of a southern accent for some unexplainable reason.

"Oh? His name is Yate, huh?" remarked Kirby, astonished.

Prince Peach pushed Kirby off of his back and lifted himself up to a full stand. "I am not backing out this time, Bowsetta! These three guys here need to confront Iarukas and bring a stop to all of this madness...and I need to take you down once and for all as well!!"

"Why can't you just accept that I don't love you anymore?! I broke up with you because you were a lousy boyfriend!"

"IT'S...IT's...IT'S TOO HARD TO FORGET ABOUT YOU!!!!"

"Geez, I guess I got no choice but to beat some sense into you..."

"Bring it on, Geico-Whore..."

"I was gonna hold back just a bit for your sake, but not anymore."

"Good."

Snake, Kirby and Sam took this chance to quickly sneak into the tower, leaving Prince Peach behind to deal with his cold-blooded ex-girlfriend...


	16. The AU 9

Disclaimer: I do not own the Super Smash Bros. series, nor do I own any other characters/series/parodies of real persons that may appear. The only things I own are the OCs and the plot, really...

All reviews are greatly appreciated as well! I would love to know your thoughts on the story so far, so I might also be able to get ideas to change parts of it or to add new things to make it better for you all.

* * *

"W-What the...?!"

Snake's exclamation was the most appropriate reaction he could muster upon seeing the ground floor of the tower's interior. Kirby and Sam were equally bewildered. It looked just like the first floor of a classy five-star hotel, complete with a pool table on one side of the room and two couches with a wide-screen TV on the other. The walls and ceiling were a bright shade of lavender, and the floor was carpeted. A gigantic chandler hung over their heads. There was even a woman standing behind the counter in front of them, and she wore a freakishly huge grin on her face.

"...May I help you three?" she asked as if she didn't have a care in the world.

"Uh..." Snake paused for a moment, "Umm, this is where we can find Iarukas, right?"

The woman nodded. "Indeed, this is the master's home base, if you will. His remaining four minions are also here as well."

"His remaining four...?"

"He originally had five, but since you are all here we can assume that Ayen is dead."

"Oh yeah...that guy..."

"He was my fiance, you know. We were supposed to get married next month."

"...Oh...oh, uh...I'm...I'm sorry..."

"You don't need to apologize, because that won't be able to bring him back." Even as she said this, the smile on the woman's face never faltered.

"R-Right..." Despite being a legendary soldier of world renown, Snake was never very comfortable talking to the loved ones of people he had killed...even though he wasn't the one who killed Ayen in the first place. He supposed that the fact that he had intended to kill Ayen made him guilty enough of the crime, since Ayen's real killer had died alongside the victim.

"I won't hold it against you, though, because even if I killed you, Ayen would still be dead and my sadness would only grow worse."

"That's...that's...I see..."

"Uh-huh."

"Then it's totally fine that we can go and see Iarukas?"

"Of course. He's up on the twentieth floor."

The woman pressed a small red button underneath the counter, and the elevator door located to her right slowly began to open. Kirby and Sam exchanged nervous glances.

"This better not be a trap," Snake growled at the woman.

"It's not." The woman replied with a shake of her head.

The three Smashers proceeded to enter the elevator, and waited in silence as the door closed in front of them. As soon as they were gone, the woman's lips suddenly curled around into a devious sneer. "Yes...it's not a trap...since it is the only way up to Iarukas' chamber...heh...heh heh heh heh..."

* * *

"All we have to do is beat the snot out of Iarukas, and we win...right? Right? Please tell me I'm right!" Samuel cried anxiously to no one in particular.

"I'd say 'yes', if only to make you shut your trap," Snake replied, and that seemed like a good-enough answer for Sam. Kirby was busy smoking on a cigar and flipping through his scrapbook of price tags to pass the time.

The elevator eventually came to a sudden halt upon reaching the fourteenth floor. Snake pressed the twentieth floor button several times, but nothing happened. Slowly, the elevator doors began to open, and a chill ran down Sam's spine. Seeing that the elevator was not going to go any further up, the three Smashers disembarked to find themselves in a large Victorian Era ballroom. The lights were dim, and a thick mist seemed to hover over the floor like a blanket. Snake kept one hand grasped firmly on the handle of his pistol, just in case.

"Ah! It's...it's gone!" Kirby gasped upon turning around. The elevator had vanished from sight, and now a blank wall was in its place, effectively trapping them.

"Damn...what is with all of these cliche situations we keep getting sucked into?!" Snake grumbled.

"CLICHE?!!"

"Yeah! Everything has been so...so cliche! The dialogue, the enemies' actions, the tower...all of it!"

"...I don't really think that's something we can avoid; we run on cliche fuel like the same way automobiles run on gasoline...it's an analogy I just made up off of the top of my head..."

"It's not a very good analogy at all."

"IT IS SO A GOOD ANALOGY!!"

Suddenly, there was a tiny flash of light, and Snake's left shoulder burst in a scarlet explosion of blood. There were several more flashes, and both Kirby and Samuel were lying in puddles of their own blood as well. None of them were moving.

A figure emerged from the shadows with a gun in his hands, smirking proudly...


End file.
